Claire Live-Blogs the 2012 Miss America Competition

The 2012 Miss America Live Blog Extravaganza

Okay.  Get ready.

Starting right here in 45 minutes, Claire will be live-blogging the 2012 Miss America contest.  If you live on the East Coast and you already know who wins, DON’T TELL ME!  I want to be surprised.

With absolutely no knowledge of any of the contestants, I predict the following (and will be giving myself one point for each thing I get right):

–Someone will do terrible ballet

–Someone will perform a dramatic monologue from a play

–Miss California will be blonde and have giant boobs

–Greater than five contestants will sing

–Everyone will try to pretend like the swimsuit competition is not creepy and awful

–Somebody will unironically answer a question with “World peace”

GET READY FOR THE FUN!

9:00

They opened with “Run the World (Girls).”  I love it already.

Brooke Burke, I hate your plastic face.

9:01

Dramatic Hoover Dam shot!  All the ladies are lined up to be introduced.  This is gonna take FOREVS.

“I consider it a compliment to be called a hog.  I’m Miss Arkansas Kristen Glover.”  Girl.  You really don’t.

I’m already wrong.  Miss California is a brunette.

We are one minute in and already we have had the first Tim Tebow reference.

NO NO OH MY GOD THEY ARE DANCING ON THE HOOVER DAM.

9:02

More classy classy ladies are doing strange club dances in the middle of the afternoon, but this group is on the roof of the Palms Casino instead of at Hoover Dam.  Less majestic, greater chance of mai tais on your film breaks.  So, you win some, you lose some.

They force Miss Idaho to make a potato joke, don’t they?  Poor kid.

MISS KENTUCKY WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

Miss Louisiana looks like Cruella de Vil in that white coat.

Miss Massachusetts ‘ claim to fame for her state is that it’s the birthplace of Mark Wahlberg.  To each their own.

9:04

More ladies dancing at the Bellagio.  Hey, did you know that in Minnesota BUT APPARENTLY NOWHERE ELSE blizzards are both weather AND tasty desserts?  I’m learning so much tonight.

Miss New York’s “Occupy” reference WAY bugged me.

WHY IS EVERYONE WEARING CRAZY 80’S COLORED CAFTANS?

9:05

No, Chris Harrison, this is not a Miss America “flash mob.”  These are choreographed dance performances in empty public spaces.  Stop trying to be current.

9:06

WHOA THERE ROAD RUNNER.  Why is there no Miss Oregon?!?!?!  They went straight from Oklahoma to Pennsylvania.  WHAT THE EFF.  Was there a scandal?  Did she get pregnant?  Did someone push her down the stairs?  SOMEBODY TELL ME WHERE IS MY GIRL.

South Carolina is the home of America’s first opera house.  We know this because Miss South Carolina sung in her entrance.

9:07

Okay, there are giant “OREGON” signs behind Brooke Burke’s head . . . did I hallucinate that this was alphabetical?  Stay tuned.

I missed where this batch of girls are but it is HELLA TACKY.

What is with these staff-mandated one-shoulder tacky caftan dresses?  Like every ninth girl is wearing one.

9:08

Miss Montana’s fivehead is out of control.

MISS OREGON SIGHTING!  Caroline McGowan FTW!  “From the home of Nike, I’m here to just do it.”  SIGH.

“From the home of ‘Family Guy'” – Miss Rhode Island, you have my vote.

Miss Wyoming sounds like she totally has a cold and I want to hug her.  Poor nasally kid.

9:10

And we’re back in the garish auditorium with Chris Harrison, ready to announce the semifinalists.  OMG SUSPENSE!

Apparently there was an America’s Choice semifinalist.  Congrats, Miss Oklahoma!  You’re adorbs.

NOT EVEN!  The contestants who get eliminated get to vote a semifinalist back in?  This is straight-up reality TV craziness!

Hilarious.  Brooke Burke is like “The ladies can’t hear me, this will be a total surprise” while six girls scamper behind her through a glitter wall to run offstage and change.  Brooke.  You’re miked, and kinda shouting.  They can probably sort of hear you.

9:14

Back from commercial with “Born This Way.”

Miss Oklahoma is telling us about their week.  She is SUPER PRESH YOU GUYS.

Let’s break down the judging.

Interviews – 25%

Talent – 35%

Swimsuit – 15%

Eveningwear – 25%

Let’s meet the judges!

Mark Ballas from Dancing With the Stars

Raoul somebody

Mike somebody, creator of The Bachelor

EEEEWWWW KRIS JENNER

Teri Polo, you are way too classy for this

And a weight-loss specialist names Chris something

Head judge – Lara Spencer from Good Morning America

——–PAUSE: My aunt just called.  She’s in North Carolina but promised she would not tell me who won ———-

9:17

Back from break!  My Aunt Kathleen and I had super-important business to discuss about bookshelves and decorating, but now I am resuming my all-important work to bring you guys up to speed (20 minutes behind).  We’re announcing the semifinalists!  THE SUSPENSE IS PALPABLE!  IT CAN TOTALLY BE PALPED!  I’m not drunk, just excited, you guys.

And they ARE:

South Carolina just lost 115 pounds.  GO GIRL.

Miss Florida totally did the cry-scream.  Awww, cut to her dad  . . .

Miss New York, who made the stupid “I’m here to Occupy the stage” reference that made me want to punch her.

Miss Iowa almost fainted.  Also, in her little clip, she opens with “It was totally my decision to compete,” which seems a little odd.  Like everyone else arrived via press gang or something.

Miss Texas is all teeth. She also wants to change the world one person at a time.

Miss Virginia did a crazy happy dance that looked super genuine and adorbs.

Miss Illinois, conversely, did the straight-up fake scream-cry.

Miss Arizona.  Two people back to back have done the “Miss America is different than she was 20 years ago” pitch.

Miss Alabama was like, “I had this in the bag, bitches.”

Miss Tennessee is a girl who likes the outdoors but also has a girly side.  she says this like it’s news.

Miss Wisconsin’s mom is cheering SO LOUD and it is epic and amazing.

Pause while Brooke Burke asks the nervous girls how nervous they are.

Miss Colorado is competing for God, apparently.  Walk me through why you think it’s God’s will for you to parade around in a swimsuit in front of a panel of reality TV producers.

9:25

Back from commercial to announce the final 3.  Come on Oregon!

Miss North Carolina, who is 5’2 and PRESH.

Miss California wants Miss America to be more edgy and “knows how to manipulate the media.”

Miss Louisiana will be “Tebowing” to celebrate her win if she’s named Miss America.  I didn’t know that was a thing.

Brooke is interviewing the girls in their swimsuits.  Once again I say, go girl that lost 115 pounds.

Kris Jenner says this is like a job interview, “all the girls are really applying for a job.”  Kris Jenner doesn’t strike me as someone with a lot of job experience.

OH SWEET LORD, a singing dancing commercial of all the girls doing Vegas-y things.

Annnnd, fast-forward through the Activia commercial to try and forget how far Jamie Lee Curtis has fallen.

9:32

Now we’re polite-clapping for some guys in suits.

2011 Miss America won at the age of 17.  Holy crap.  Teresa Scanlon, you are too young for this level of media exposure.  But she has cupcakes waiting for her backstage, so I guess it’s fine?

Salute to the 27 former Miss Americas who are here tonight. Ooh, do we get to meet them?  I totally want to see who has aged badly.

Miss America’s “outstanding teen” is wearing a WAY-too-boobulous dress.  WHERE IS HER MOTHER.

Oooh, it’s time for the reject pity party!  AWESOME!

They have a cheer?  And Brooke Burke is making the losers do it?  I’m confused.

CHRIS HARRISON JUST MADE THE PERVIEST JOKE ABOUT THE SWIMSUIT LADIES.  Why am I surprised?  I’m really not.

9:35

Swimsuit time!  On a scale of one to Hitler, how evil does it make me that I always really want someone to trip?

Miss Oklahoma – red bikini.  Perfectly fine but unexciting.  Give me something cray-cray, ladies.

Miss South Carolina is the one who lost a ton of weight, and she looks great and super happy.

You guys, they’re all wearing variants of the same swimsuit.  This is super tedious.

Ooh, they’re showing vintage photos of old-timey Miss America swimsuits on the side of the stage.  I would much rather be watching that.

Miss Virginia’s name is Elizabeth Crot.  I bet you one million dollars I know what the mean girls called her in middle school.

Miss Arizona is stomping that runway like she went to Tyra school.

Do any of them realize how bizarre this is?

It will surprise no one that I would bet money that Miss California’s boobs are fake.  I can’t speak for anyone else’s, but I am fairly confident about hers.

YAYYY NOW WE’RE ALL CHEERING FOR FEMALE OBJECTIFICATION!

9:40

Brooke Burke to DWTS colleague Mark Ballas – “Apart from a future wife, what are you looking for in the swimsuit competition?”  HORRIBLE.  HORRIBLE AND WRONG.  Oh, by the way, his answer is “someone who’s relatable, fun, aware of current events and has a good heart.”  Mark Ballas puts a lot more stock in a woman’s taste in swimwear than I do.

Three contestants get eliminated after the swimsuit competition.  You guys, if they cut the woman that just lost all that weight after the round of competition where they have to walk around pretty much naked, I quit right now.  They’re going to hand her her body dysmorphia right back.

9:45

GOLD LAMÉ SARONGS!

Okay, who is moving on to eveningwear?

Miss Louisiana

Miss Iowa

Miss Illinois

Miss South Carolina YAYYYYYY

Miss New York BOOOOOOO

Miss Wisconsin

Miss Florida with the cute short sassy hair

Miss Tennessee

Miss Arizona

Miss Texas

Miss California, Fake Boobs McGee

ONE NAME LEFT OMG SUSPENSE!!!!!

Miss Oklahoma wins it!  Fake hugs all around!

9:49

Three sad blondes hug each other.  But wait!  “Everything is about to change,” intones Chris Harrison.

Their faces do not register genuine surprise.  Botox, or did Brooke Burke lie to us?  Or do they kind of not get it yet?

Okay, so now the accountant is going around and taking their votes.  I’m assuming they were told they couldn’t vote for themselves, leading to a 40-way tie.

Oooh, he’s handing Brooke the card!  Who gets back in knowing the judges do not actually want her there?

It’s Miss Alabama!  They appear genuinely happy for her.  Awww.

Brooke is running backstage through some empty tents.

OMG it’s horrible news anchor Gretchen Carlson, who is apparently a former Miss America.  I’m fast-forwarding.  She annoys the crap out of me.

9:55

Wait.  You guys.  Amway still exists?

We’re back from commercial and Chris Harrison is doing some “Oh, you KNOW there will be twists and turns if I’M hosting, LOL!” routine and all the girls are laughing like he’s so hilarious. They are so all simultaneously auditioning for The Bachelorette it is not even funny.

9:56

Evening gowns!  YESSSSSSSS!  Please please let some of them be awful.

“My dress definitely has a little bit of sex appeal to it,” says a woman in a skintight gown with a slit up to the thigh, a giant boob shelf, and a knack for stating the obvious.

Miss South Carolina – weight loss champion – red hair, non-whorish dress, super chic.  I’m totes rooting for her.

Miss Wisconsin just pointed out that the bodice of her dress is sort of like a black version of Kate Middleton’s wedding dress, which made me simultaneously like her better, like the dress better, and notice how much she looks exactly like Kate Middleton.

Florida got screwed.  That is some Ice Capades shit right there.

Miss Arizona’s gown has weird side cutouts that make her look much wider than she is.  What gay let her walk out of the store in that?

Miss Texas just praised her gown for its resemblance to Britney Spears’ outfit in the “Toxic” music video.  I hate her for being excited to look like Britney Spears, but my GOD she is working that dress.

Miss California looks like a hot space alien.

Miss Oklahoma’s Grecian dress has an unfortunately situated piece of crotch drapery.

OH MY GOD STOP THE PRESSES.  Miss Alabama, the one they just let back in via the unbelievably cruel process of “Girls, go stand behind the contestant you want to be saved from elimination” (which for the other girls is, as my friend Jen put it, like being chosen last for dodgeball on national TV) just walked out and her dress is BANANAS.  I can’t handle it.  It’s black and silver sequins with this enormous ruffle-pouf-explosion thing on one shoulder that is probably visible from space.  It’s like the corsage of a giant.  It’s like her dress has its own in-flight pillow.  CANNOT. HANDLE IT.  OMG, she’s turning around, and it’s a bow?  I think?  With pieces trailing off behind it?

Gretchen Carlson is back.  “They’re going to go on to be doctors and lawyers and politicians and TV anchors and, I hope one day, President of the United States.”  Gretchen, you’re an impossible dreamer and I respect that about you.  And I perhaps need to examine my own prejudices given that my first instinct is “I WOULD NEVER VOTE FOR A MISS AMERICA FOR PRESIDENT.”

Okay, now we’re cutting to all the girls at Disneyland.  I thought they were in Vegas?  Don’t overthink it, Claire.

I’d be so much more into this if they were having fun in a “we’re totally still kids at heart” way and not a “thank you for your enormous sponsorship, Disney Corporation!” kind of way.

10:07

One thing we haven’t discussed yet is how every wall on the set is made up of zillions of beaded curtains.  It is literally the gaudiest thing possible.  Obviously I want it for my house.

TALENT!  YES!  I see pointe shoes, I see jazz shoes, I see a dress with a tail that I bet you a million dollars belongs to an opera singer.

OMG, I think that was a video clip of Miss Arizona tap dancing as a little kid.  Presh.  Now she is sexy jazz dancing in a red satin romper with a Southern church lady hat.  Oh my God, here come the onscreen contestant facts Jen was telling me about.  Miss Arizona “describes dissections in class as ‘so cool.'”  She appears technically proficient – and just did a pretty impressive aerial cartwheel – but this routine is bananas.

Miss Illinois is wearing a green tutu and I’m pretty sure I want a real ballet dancer here to heckle with me if it’s terrible.  Okay, she’s being like a creepy doll?  This is not working. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Her fact is “afraid of windmills.”  You guys, I literally did a straight-up spit take.  That’s it, I don’t care how much she sucks with her weird doll robot dance (to strange electronica), I am now rooting for her.

Miss Oklahoma is doing an Irish step dance!  YESSSSSS.  Oooh, she’s GOOD too.  And she reads the Declaration of Independence every July 4th and drives a truck with a lift kit and knows how to give a cow pedicure.  I think I just fell in love with her.

10:14

Oh holy crap, I see what looks ALARMINGLY like a Black Swan tutu situation back there.  And . . . a tie-dyed tutu?  I hope I’m wrong.  Or maybe I hope I’m RIGHT.

Wait, they’re just eliminating someone backstage with no buildup of tension.  “The next name I read will not get to perform, she will get eliminated.”  With her pointe shoes strapped on and everything.  SO CLOSE!  Who is it?  And can we guess what her talent was going to be?  Let’s find out.

Oh sad, it’s sassy bob Miss Florida, who – judging by the water bottle and floor length gown – was probably going to dramatically sing us something from a musical.  DAMMIT!

10:17

Back from commercial.  Two more ladies are going to get cut without performing.  P.S. I love how they are making them fake-get-ready in front of everyone.  They’re all sitting on this pink satin bench doing stuff with their hair and earrings and shoes to create the impression that we are watching them nervously backstage, even though they are totally on this side of the glitter wall and HOLD UP, who is wearing a wedding dress?  Oh my God you guys, what if she does a scene from Carrie or something?

Miss Texas is up next, in a lovely black dress, playing the piano with an ALARMING amount of leg showing.  Oh my God, she is rocking such a dramatic Phantom of the Opera hunch.  GIRL.  NOBODY PLAYS PIANO LIKE THAT.  This is like a full-body thing.  She is straight FLAILING.  I am laughing so hard right now.  She looks like something out of a Bugs Bunny cartoon.  I keep expecting the piano to catch fire.

10:20

I love that they are prefacing the talent with childhood pictures of each girl doing their talent as a kid.  It both subtly reinforces the message that they did not learn these things yesterday, and makes them seem less like robots and more like . . . more realistic robots.

Miss Kate Middleton Wisconsin is singing us an aria.  VERY DRAMATICALLY.  She’s pretty good though, you guys.  I’m not mad at it.  “Secretly wishes to swim with dolphins.”  Girl.  Who doesn’t?  Okay, I think she went a little flat at the end, but not terribly so.  I still like her.

10:21

Ah.  It’s Miss New York in the tie-dyed tutu.  OF COURSE.  And she’s singing a song called “Disneyland,” so I’m fully prepared for this to be terrible.  So terrible that I’m taking my tea-and-snack break now to ensure that I am fully prepared for all that is about to go down.

“Disneylaaaaand/Magic Kingdom, Disneylaaaaaaand . . . ”  OMG, and the projections behind her are ALSO tie-dye, P.S.  It is dizzying when they pull back and show a distant shot.  Okay, so the song is basically like “I know you’ll say Disneyland is fake but to me it’s totally magical,” and she is singing it SUPER EARNESTLY, but I cannot get behind this wack song.  “Wishes to visit outer space.”  Oooh, she just did a total Broadway diva bend-at-the-waist-with-the-mic-up-at-your-face-to-convey-emotion moment about how much she wants to live at Disneylaaaaaaaaaand (they left out the verse about how it smells like burnt popcorn and everyone there hates their jobs) and she is reaching out towards me like she can see it on the horizon.  “Performed with a cast of over 80 animals.”  And she just hit a reeeeeally flat high note.  And I just decided her future career is going to be cruise ship singer.  And Chris Harrison, who sees and knows all, just very subtly reminded us all that Disney is owned by ABC (or vice versa), sort of patting her on the back for her marketing know-how.  Whatever, Harrison.  That song was bullshit and you know it.

10:23

Miss Lousiana is doing a straight-up Ice Capades dance to “Sway.”  “Can make any sinful dish healthy.”  Finally, a valuable skill.  “Collects and refurbishes antique trunks.”  Mom???  What are you doing samba-ing in a flapper dress and Bump-It?  “Almost swallowed a diamond.”  I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.  Okay, she did a rumba on pointe and she collects vintage trunks.  I love her.

10:25

NOOOOOO!  They just eliminated Miss South Carolina.  Sadsies.  Whatevs, she lost 155 pounds and her ruffly red dress with its Disney villainess high collar looks great on her and her smile has looked super genuine all night, and I wish her well.

10:30

Oh my God, only 3/4 done?

Back from commercial.  4 girls left to perform, but only 3 will get the chance.  They are: Wedding Dress, Black Swan, Tap Shoes and Red Ballgown.  GAME ON BITCHES.

And it’s Miss Tennessee (red ballgown).  And she’s singing . . . Oh no.  Oh, no no no no no.  She’s singing freaking “MEMORIES” FROM CATS.  Y’all, if it weren’t for the hilarious on-screen captions I’d be fast-forwarding this shit like there’s no tomorrow.  WAIT.  Either she has the worst diction imaginable, or she is singing “Memories” IN ITALIAN.  WHAT IS HAPPENING??  And she is making super dramatic eyes at me and gesturing hugely and yes, yes, this is Italian, she is rolling the shit out of her R’s.  “Avid hiker.”  Uh huh.

Okay.  The most amazing thing just happened.  Just as she hit the crazy key change high part of “Memories” in Italian and went full-on opera diva, the screen flashed the following: “Honorary Duck Master for Peabody Hotel In Memphis.”  I don’t know WHAT those words mean, but the contrast between “Duck Master” and what she’s doing onstage right now is beyond words. And “Suffers from Bieber fever” came out as she hit her last big high note.  The cognitive dissonance here is . . . I don’t even know.

10:33

Wedding Dress is Miss Iowa, who will also be singing for us.  If they’re saving Black Swan until last . . .  Her dress is like a sequined minidress with a giant white coat dress over it.  And it’s snowing behind her.  And she’s singing a Jesus song, I think.    And her favorite food is French toast.  And she canNOT handle those high notes.  My kingdom for a contralto Miss America.  OH MY GOD THAT ENDING WAS PAINFUL.  High, flat, screech, horrible.

And our final performer is . . . Miss California/Black Swan!  And she’s doing the Black Swan variation, this is not just a subliminal thing to remind us that she looks like Natalie Portman, and wait a second, did this girl even get to WARM UP??  We’ve been watching them waiting the entire time and she was just sitting there.  Did they not at least let her do some barre exercises or something?  She’s going to sprain something.

Okay, let’s see if I’ve learned anything in 4 seasons of working for a ballet company that would allow me to tell whether or not this is actually good dancing.

Well, she’s an avid mahjong player, so she’s got that going for her.  Oh, and she designed that costume herself. And she has 800 Twitter followers.

You guys, I’m pretty sure she’s not that good.  That was pretty meh.  And her evil facial expressions and cape-waving were a little too Snidely Whiplash for me.  And she is wearing like WHITE-white tights with that black tutu, which looks very strange.

10:42

Back from commercial!  OMG I think it’s time for questions!!!!

Chris Harrison just told the accountant he smells great tonight.  Those poor Ernst and Young accountants.  I hope they’re having enough fun to make up for how many times the camera cuts to them being awkward and stiff on national television.

First up is Miss Wisconsin.   Lara Spencer wants to know if, in the current nasty partisan political climate, she thinks Miss America should be free to declare her personal political affiliation.  OOOH GOOD ONE!  She softballs it with some claptrap about how Miss America represents everyone and so do politicians and “in these tough economic times we need to be looking forward” blah blah.  Damn, that could have been juicy if she’d gotten, like, a closet Tea Party or Occupy activist . . .

Miss Oklahoma, my Irish dancing love, is up next.  Chris Powell asks her whether childhood obesity is the government’s responsibility to solve, and she very articulately makes the reasonable point that healthy eating habits are a parent’s responsibility.  Of course, this doesn’t help low-income parents who can’t feed their kids so they only eat at school and the school is feeding them cheap plastic crap, but I still love her.

Miss Arizona gets Kris Jenner, who wants to know if she thinks it’s legit that Tim Tebow and other celebs use their fame to spread their faith.  MY RESPONSE: “Kris Jenner, you are the LAST PERSON ON EARTH who gets to have an opinion on what is or is not appropriate for celebrities to share.  Talking about being Christian > whoring out daughters.  I’M JUST SAYING.”  Let’s see if Miss Arizona is nicer than me.  Oh, she did good.  She basically said it’s great for a celebrity to be a person of faith who is strong and confident in who you are and shares that with people, but if you are a representative of an organization – like Miss America – you have to keep in mind that you represent everyone, so there’s a difference between being strong and confident in who you are and shoving your opinions down everyone’s throats.  Diplomatically-played, Miss Arizona.  I like you.

10:46

Guys.  I did not realize there are only 5 questions so the next girl to get picked is the last one in and the other FIVE get the axe simultaneously.  Oh good, it’s ol’ I Heart Disneyland, Miss New York.  Ooh, and because the gods smile upon us, the name she randomly drew from the bowl was actress Teri Polo, whose question is about whether the Occupy protesters had a valid point and what should be done.  Don’t screw this up, New York.

Ehhh.  Too vague.  “Blah blah it brought discourse into the current political election cycle,” “blah blah if you’re going to complain you have to follow it up with action,” etc.  I SO BADLY wanted her to open with, “Well Teri, during the weeks I spent camped out on Wall Street I learned that . . . ”

10:47

Okay, I lied, one more girl gets to go, and the others get the chop.  Oh right, because we haven’t yet enjoyed the piercing eloquence of a question from Mark Ballas yet.  They are doing a slow pan across the remaining girls and I am pretty sure I see a leopard minidress.

Oh, it’s Black Swan. GREAT.  Mark Ballas wants to know what she thinks about MTV turning teen moms into celebrities.   Miss California, be advised that there is only one right answer to this question, and it is not “OMG, bro, Sixteen and Pregnant is appointment viewing!”  Let’s see how she does.

FAIL.  She fumbles a couple times, and her basic point is “I support all those shows and it is up to us to make good choices and not be guided by the entertainment industry.”  Which, while factually correct, is an odd message for someone auditioning FOR the entertainment industry under the guise that she can use it to create change.  Either we listen to the people in the shiny black box and do what they tell us, or we don’t.  You can’t have it both ways, chica.

10:51

Back from commercial with “Edge of Glory.”  Nine minutes of this circus left.  THE THICK PLOTTENS!  I’m really tired.  Ooh, it’s Miss America 2011, the eighteen-year-old, here to pass on the crown.  There’s a little video montage of her plugging all her various charities and . . . SPEAKING AT THE PENTAGON?!??  Ohhhh, to be a fly on the wall with all those high-ranking Department of Defense officials debriefing after she left . . .

So the winner of Top Model gets to be a brand ambassador for Cover Girl but Miss America only gets Amway?  That seems backwards.

10:53

“Ladies, please join us center stage.”  OMG IT’S TIME!  Four of them are wearing white and one is wearing black.  I bet it’s that attention whore Miss California.  Oh no, I guess it’s Kate Middleton.  They’re back in their same outfits from before.

So, to recap, our final 5 are (L to R above):

Miss Wisconsin (Kate Middleton/forgettable aria/secretly wishes she could swim with dolphins/Miss America represents everybody and shouldn’t declare her political affiliation)

Miss Oklahoma (Irish dancing/knows how to give a cow pedicure/parents are in charge of their kids’ eating habits)

Miss Arizona (weird modern dance in giant hat/“describes dissections in class as ‘so cool'”/being a religious celebrity is different from being preachy)

Miss New York (shitty Disney song/“wishes to visit outer space”/half-assed Occupy Wall Street answer)

Miss California (Black Swan/mahjong player/exploitative reality TV is my jam)

Okay, before I turn it back on, here’s my picks:  I heart Miss Oklahoma and Miss Wisconsin.  I am neutral towards Miss Arizona although she gave the best answer.  I really, really do not like either California or New York.

AND WE’RE BACK!

10:53

4th Runner Up is Miss California!  AHAHAHA!  EAT THAT!  And the 3rd Runner Up  is Miss Arizona.  You guys, if Miss New York wins, I’m going to vomit.  HA!  She’s 2nd runner up!  Oh snap!  That’s what your nightmare-inducing Disney song bought you.  P.S.  so much fake hugging is happening.

Okay, so it’s down to my two faves, Irish Dancer and Kate Middleton.  I’m genuinely emotionally invested now, you guys!

“I want to remind you that the first runner up takes over for Miss America if at any time she is unable to fulfill her duties.”  Okay.  So, does that mean, like, she has to go open a new mall but it’s on the same day as her Nana’s 90th birthday so they send the backup?  Or, like, she sleeps with a producer and we have to fire her and quietly promote #2?  What does that MEAN?

Irish dancer and Kate Middleton are whispering and giggling to each other in a way that makes me want to believe they are genuinely nice people and real friends.  LET ME HAVE THIS MOMENT YOU GUYS.

And the winner is . . .

KATE MIDDLETON!

And she is ALL KINDS OF not wearing waterproof mascara.  This looks like a Miss America spoof.  Her crown is crooked, her eyes are smeary, she is WEEPING, and all the other girls are doing a really good job of pretending like they’re not thinking how much better they’d be handling this right now.  But I still love her.

And with that, WE’RE DONE.  Congratulations, Miss Wisconsin!

8 thoughts on “Claire Live-Blogs the 2012 Miss America Competition

  1. Bahahaha! This completely made my night. I will never be able to watch something like this without you live blogging it ever again. 🙂

  2. OMG, Claire. I am laughing so hard with you it is as if I’m there. Please, please, please let me watch with you next year. We must have a select group of ladies bring liquor and food to Miss Lucille’s Gossip Parlor for this. Just one thing, you got a bit mean there with the Disneyland jabs and a tiny tear ran down my cheek…but other than that, it’s hilarious!!! ;o)

  3. Love it! Love it! LOVE. IT. Well said, Miss Willett. I tip my hat to you. Now, can you please do this for the Globes tonight and the Oscars next month?

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