The 2013 Golden Globes
In which Claire live-blogs the first half of the Golden Globes, leaves to go see Les Miz, comes back and live-blogs the second half.
5:01 – WHOA, Glenn Close looks like a drunk witch. Also, hi Amy and Tina!
5:02 – How is Richard Gere at Taylor Swift’s table?
5:03 – “When it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron.” ZING!
5:04 – There is a HILARIOUS-looking ginger sitting right behind Anne Hathaway. I predict we’re going to get to know him very well.
5:07 – Mandy Patinkin, adorbs. Also, I loved Tina Fey’s joke about not being able to do Palin anymore now that Julianne Moore has done it. And they got Daniel Day-Lewis to do the E.T. finger!
5:09 – Best Supporting Actor! Claire votes Alan Arkin, because Argo is the only one of these I’ve seen. And the winner is . . . Christophe Waltz!
5:10 – Waltz is a total chameleon. I never recognize him in street clothes.
5:12 – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. KERRY WASHINGTON, LOVE YOU. Best Supporting Actress for TV – Team Dowager Countess!
5:15 – BTW, I’m in my pajamas, drinking coffee and eating chocolates. The contrast between me and Eva Longoria has never been more pronounced.
5:18 – Oh please oh please, let The Hour win something! Nope, it lost to Game Change. GODDAMN YOU HBO. I liked it just fine, but The Hour is light-years better.
5:21 – I did love Sigourney Weaver in Political Animals, but I’m not surprised that Julianne Moore won. Didn’t she also get all the Emmys for this? She really was very, very good.
5:23 – Catherine Zeta, I love you and I love your singing, but that was a weird. ass. transition. You cannot just burst into song unprompted. Oh, also, dial back the self-tanner, kthnxbye.
5:28 – This is why I watch this on DVR, so I can fast-forward through the boring speeches. Sorry, nice foreign lady, but if I wasn’t watching this in real time I’d skip you. Even though you’re actually kind of charming.
5:31 – Rosario Dawson is wearing a shirt from the Gap. And how did she get drafted for Best Exotic Marigold Hotel? Should we be worried that it’s kind of racist?
5:32 – SALMA HAYEK! MALL BANGS!
5:33 – I’m not surprised Damien Lewis won for Homeland, and I do love him dearly, but I’m going to be a contrarian and say that I feel like Jeff Daniels deserves props for his kickass work on The Newsroom.
5:34 – Awwww, Damien Lewis dedicates his award to his late mom.
5:35 – HA! Hilarious teleprompter fiasco leaves Paul Rudd and Mall Bangs without a clue! That was both hilarious and painful.
5:38 – “Homeland,” congrats on whatever the hell you just won. So many cool peeps in this cast . . . Claire Danes, killing it in red. Morena Baccarin, working an Old Hollywood Marcelle wave. Mandy Patinkin, being the kooky Jewish uncle I’ve always wanted and never had. Damien Lewis, hottest ginger on earth.
5:42 – Ack! The real Tony Mendez gets to present the Golden Globe package! SO FREAKING AWESOME! Except I’m sad that they put him in the position of looking awkward onstage with that teleprompter. But seriously, Argo was so good.
5:44 – Jennifer Lopez, you look like a caricature of Jennifer Lopez.
5:45 – I bet you a jillion dollars John Williams wins “Best Score.” Because WHEN DOESN’T HE. Ooh, wait, I was wrong! It went to “Life of Pi.” Congrats, first-timer!
5:47 – “In a room full of starlets, the most beautiful woman here is my wife.” SHUT UP I JUST HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE.
5:48 – Best Song! GO ADELE! I would also accept that song from “Hunger Games.” YAY, Adele! She is so freaking adorable. She wins “Best Acceptance Speech” – “I just came for a night out with my friend – we’re new mums – so I was not expecting this! Thank you for letting us be part of your world for a night, we’ve been pissing ourselves laughing.”
5:55 – Jessica Alba in tangerine! Love it. CUMBERBATCH CUMBERBATCH CUMBERBATCH! Pleeeeeeeease let him win! I also love how Tina and Amy are inserting themselves into the awards nominations and making the presenters read their fake names and movies in super-serious tones. Can they please host my life? Booooo, Costner. I love you, but I wanted Cumberbatch to win SO BAD.
5:58 – I can’t lie, you guys, every time Kevin Costner gives an awards acceptance speech I re-fall in love with him. This happened at the Emmys too.
5:59 – BILL MOTHERFUCKING CLINTON IS INTRODUCING LINCOLN?!?!?! Holy crapballs.
6:01 – “Oh my gosh, you guys! That was Hillary Clinton’s husband!” I love you, Amy Poehler. And Tina Fey mispronouncing her SNL costars’ names was adorbs.
6:02 – Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell need to do everything together. I love them pretending like they haven’t heard of any of these movies and people. “Judi Dench! Where did she come from? First role, used to be a police officer . . .” Hugh Jackman is crying with laughter. You know who ISN’T loving this? Tommy Lee Jones.
6:06 – Yay, I love Jennifer Lawrence so much! Silver Linings Playbook is at the top of my Oscars prep list. “Harvey, thank you for killing whoever you had to kill to get me up here today.” She is so adorably nervous and she’s thanking her whole family by name. I want to be best friends with her.
6:12 – Oh, I hope Max Greenfeld gets some love for his awesome work on New Girl. But he’s up against the Patinkin, so I don’t like his odds. Oh look, Game Change wins AGAAAAAAAIN.
6:15 – Megan Fox, did you get Botox? Because your face looks weird and I don’t like it. Oooh, you guys, if Anne Hathaway doesn’t win, it’s gonna be a major – yep, there it is.
6:16 – Anne Hathaway is wearing a wedding dress but I’m not mad at it because her shout-out to Sally Field just made me tear up a little.
6:18 – Spotted in the background – Helena Bonham Carter rocking some serious Helena Bonham Carter hair.
Okay, team, I left for a few hours to see Les Miserables, returned with the verdict that yes, in fact, I will allow Anne Hathaway to hang onto that Golden Globe, and I shall resumeth my live-bloggery forthwith.
6:22 – Dear teenage girls, I genuinely have no idea what you all see in Robert Pattinson. TONY KUSHNER FOR BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY OH PLEASE OH PLEEEEEEEEEEASE! Ugh. Quentin Tarantino. Well, I guess I can’t “ugh” since I haven’t seen “Django” yet. But I really wanted Tony Kushner to win! Okay, but Tarantino’s speech is kind of delighting me – he’s thanking his group of friends that he reads aloud to while he’s writing. Did I just find him charming for the first time in my life?
6:26 – Clearly I’m supposed to know more about Salmon Fishing In the Yemen than I in fact do. Kristen Scott Thomas is in it! I didn’t realize how much I missed her in stuff!
6:27 – All of you are wrong. Lucy Liu’s giant crazy floral is awesome. And Don Cheadle, who I love, just won an award for a show I had no idea existed. Neat!
6:33 – Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are onstage together, which delights me unreasonably. Stallone is starring in an upcoming movie called “Bullet In the Head,” which is like the “Snakes on a Plane” of Stallone movie titles. I wonder if anyone will get shot in that movie, and if so, which part of the body? THIS RAISES SO MANY MORE QUESTIONS THAN IT ANSWERS! Wait, they’re presenting BEST FOREIGN FILM? Is this a joke? Are we being hazed? Just because one of them has an accent? The team from “Amour” has GOT to be feeling how surreal this is that they’re getting their award from SCHWARZENEGGER. Oh wait, they’re both Austrian . . . okay, that’s kind of sweet, actually. Producer of “Amour,” I love your accent.
6:36 – I’m CRUSHED that they didn’t let Nathan Fillion present with Morena Baccarin. MISSED OPPORTUNITY, GUYS. COME ON, MICHELLE DOCKERY!!!!! Yeah yeah, “Homeland” wins AGAIN. Go Claire, I GUESS. She does give good speech, though. I like it when people thank the other nominees in a way that feels genuine. She does seem like a really rad person. Ummm, but that was a random cut to Matt Lauer.
6:44 – I really, really love Sascha Baron Cohen. He is making me laugh with his fake brandy and making fun of Russell Crowe’s singing voice. P.S. if “Brave” doesn’t win Best Animated Feature, I QUIT RIGHT NOW. Although this montage is reminding me that it was actually a pretty good year for animated movies. All of these got great reviews. Oh, yayyyyyyyy it won it won! I loved that movie.
6:48 – It seems odd that Liev Schreiber is introducing “Life of Pi,” which he had no part in, and not his wife’s movie. Real talk, though, I do totally want to see it.
6:50 – “The cast of ‘Downton Abbey’ has some AMAZING weed backstage.” Aziz Ansari, you are hilarious. “They call cookies ‘biscuits!'” I’m rooting for Julia Louis-Dreyfus here.
6:51 – I knew Fey and Poehler would do something awesome with the moment where they were nominated against each other, but they exceeded my expectations with the best cutaway so far – Tina holding hands in anticipation with J-Lo and Amy on George Clooney’s lap. LOVES. Awww, yay Lena Dunham! She seems so cool. And I love that everyone so clearly loves her.
6:52 – This is exactly the acceptance speech we would all have expected from Lena Dunham: gracious, articulate and a little dorky. But I wanted a close-up on her big crazy back tattoo!
6:58 – Fey/Poehler wardrobe change. I approve. “Look how drunk Glenn Close is!” GOD, they are the best hosts ever.
7:00 – “The Cecil B. DeMille Award says every bit as much about the presenter as it does about the recipient.” You guys, I know it’s been years, but it is still so good to see Robert Downey Jr. back in the spotlight, all sober and awesome, where he belongs. When he got kicked off “Ally McBeal” and had to go back to rehab, my mom took it personally like he was her own son. “It just makes me SO SAD that he is not living up to his potential!” Him getting his shit together and having an awesome career is one of the things I am the most sad she never lived to see. It would have made her so happy.
7:01 – You guys, take a second and think about the fact that Mel Gibson just presented Jodie Foster with two stuffed hamsters on a silver tray. That. Just. Happened.
7:04 – For a woman that young with that flawless alabaster skin, that was one hell of a career montage.
7:07 – WAIT. WAIT. DID JODIE FOSTER JUST COME OUT?!??!?!?!?! Awwww, her redhaired sons are so adorbs!
7:12 – I just . . . there’s not . . . I can’t . . . THAT WAS THE GREATEST AWARDS SPEECH OF ALL TIME.
7:17 – Halle Berry, who drew the short straw and had to follow “The Tear-Jerking Coming-Out Story of Jodie Foster,” wisely plays it straight-faced and gets straight to the point. Also, let’s discuss how she is the perfect example of finding one hairstyle that works for you and keeping it your entire life. Flawless, girlfriend. I hope Kathryn Bigelow wins this to make up for her CRIMINAL Oscar shutout . . . but I bet it’s gonna be Tarantino. Awwww, yay Affleck! Yay for seeing such a random assortment of people – Quentin Tarantino, Jonah Hill, Jon Hamm – on their feet, tearing up and cheering for him. Argo really was just amazing. And he and Jennifer Garner just seem like the nicest people.
7:20 – I gotta put “Moonrise Kingdom” onto my Oscar prep list. Though it seems hella random that Josh Brolin was brought in to introduce it.
7:22 – If “Modern Family” wins AGAIN . . .
7:23 – Awwwwww, yay Lena Dunham! I love that she totally can’t walk in those shoes. This is exactly like watching a regular person win a Golden Globe. She does all the adorably klutzy things we’re all secretly afraid we would do. I want to hug her. I wish I liked “Girls” more . . . .
7:30 – Silver Linings Playbook is next on my must-see list.
7:31 – HA! Ben Affleck forgot to thank George Clooney so Jennifer did it for him. Hashtag Hollywood marriage. Wouldn’t it be crazy if there was a surprise upset here and she got to give the Golden Globe to her former Alias co-star? But no, it was Hugh Jackman, as we all knew it would be. And I have to say I’m happy. He’s adorable.
7:34 – Dudes, the PBS table is where it’s AT. Michelle Dockery with the giggles, Benedict Cumberbatch, and some chick in a turban. I want to be hanging out with them right now.
7:40 – You guys, wouldn’t you DIE if “Les Miz” lost to “Salmon Fishing In the Yemen” right now? But no, it was obviously going o be “Les Miz.” And again, I’m not gonna be mad at it.
7:41 – Anne Hathaway and Amanda Seyfried hugging onstage = BEYOND ADORBS.
7:46 – “This next presenter is so good-looking he makes young George Clooney look like garbage. Please welcome middle-aged George Clooney.” Amy, when you’re right, you’re right. And yayyyyyy Jessica Chastain! I hate her hair like that but I love everything else about her. I love that she doesn’t ever appear to take her success for granted because she worked so hard for so long without any recognition and now she’s the new hotness. And I love her shout-out to Kathryn Bigelow – “You’ve done more for women in cinema than you take credit for.”
7:50 – I keep forgetting I have to watch Arbitrage too. Congrats Daniel Day-Lewis! All of us are happy for you and no one is surprised. P.S. I love seeing Tony Kushner get love from the stage. HE IS MY HERO.
7:58 – Julia Roberts just thinks she is SO ABOVE THIS SHIT. She might be surprised to know we care as little about her these days as she does about us. Go Argo! YAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! I’m so happy. It was so good. You guys, wouldn’t it be amazing if it beat “Les Miz” at the Oscars??
7:59 – HA! Victor Garber gets his moment in the sun – and his reward for the most hilariously 70’s costumes of all time – by being late to the stage. I’m now writing a story in my head where Jennifer Garner made her real-life husband cast her former TV dad. Am I remembering wrong or didn’t he officiate their wedding?
8:00 – Amy gets the last word – “Good night, everyone! We’re going home with Jodie Foster.”